Listening to Beatles - Like Dreamers Do
There’s this gal. Friend’s friend. I visited her blog and left a comment regarding her post on stupid things that we will do for love. The third day I went back to her site. She deleted the post.
My reaction was ‘WTF?’
In my opinion, it seems like she regret that she posted about her past and then she just decided to delete it for fear of what others will think if they read it. I commented that I had the same experience that I did the similar stupid thing for love like her. She deleted the post and never approved my comment.
Disclaimer: That’s my opinion only. I’m not judging her or whatsoever.
I was a bit angry at the first place because she appeared to be a coward to me. For not able to face what she wrote down herself. You know, avoiding things, worse is avoiding the past. Trying to erase it. Sealed it up. Not letting anyone trespass the boundary and expecting no one will know about it. She is afraid. Afraid of what people will think. That’s what I assumed.
On second thought, it suddenly struck me that I am no different from her.
I started blogging in blogspot for almost a year since 2004. Then I changed my site registering another username. And last December, I switched from blogspot to blogsome and blog anonymously.
The main reason was I felt restricted in writing whatever I want. Taking in consideration the people involved, my relationship with them and who reads my blog.
The other reason was I wanted to start over. Without looking back. Like that girl (as I assumed), I really wish that the past that I don’t ever want to bring up again will vanish forever. Like how you write it as a post and erase it later on as if the memory is never exist.
The shame, failure and grief are what I attempted and still trying hard to bury and left behind with my previous blogs.
Now you tell me. Wasn’t what I was doing back then similar to what she did to her post?
Running away from the past which I see it as a mark in my memory. An ugly mark. A dirt. I feel like it’s not perfect anymore. It’s contaminated. And I hate feeling this way.
I HATE IT
I always question this.
Why can’t things be better so I will be happier when I look back at the moments?
This happens more on my previous relationships. Like why the fuck he cheated on me. why he fucking treated me that way. why he never cared about me.
As if all I could remembered were the sad parts. I felt deprived. I felt that I was robbed from what I deserved. Deserved to be loved. Deserved to be appreciated. Deserved to be cared.
The happiness that others people deeply drowning in. I wish I’m one of them.
I wrote about them. Like how mad I was. How frustrated I was for all the things that didn’t go the way I intended to. I wrote about them. But vaguely because of those who might read them. Those who know me in person. And when I thought about this, the only thing came into my mind was:
What would they think of me? How would they see me now? Can they accept what kind of person I am? Would they judge me without looking inside? Would they understand why?
That’s why I decided to leave my blogs behind and started a new one. Like her, trying to erase the unwanted memories. A fresh start. Blogging anonymously. Rarely anyone knows who I am and I can rediscover myself. Without restriction. I can write about my flaws and the rather unwanted memories without fearing those who know me will judge me subjectively and not able to accept the imperfections in me. At the same time, I can pen down what I’ve learned and the good things about myself so that when I look back, I can see the changes and growth that I have become a better person. The more important, I am ready and able to accept the past and move on bravely. Hopingly brave enough to love once again.
As I realized I can almost understand the reason she took down her post, I am able to relook at myself and why I said I understand. Although I still feel upset that she was running away like I was, I know that all she needs is TIME to heal, accept, be stronger and move on. Like me.
I’m still taking my time. And I wish her best too. Hope we will no longer cowards towards our past in near future.
