Documentary of Charleybean

It’s still not the right time when you asked me, “Do you love me?“.

You said,
that you want to go shopping with me, help to pick my clothes and pay my bills
that you want to go coffeebean with me and read our own novels together
that you want to go places with me, places that I want to go
that you want to bring me to a nice place for dinner
that you want to dance with me
that you want to hug me and kiss good night
that you want to watch my korean movies and dramas with me
that you willing to stop keeping in touch with your ex and stop reading her blog
that we have so many things which we have yet done
that you have realize what you actually want now
that you really regret for knowing it too late
that even if so, you will still try anything to get us back together
that you know what’s your priorities now
that DOTA is stupid
that you want to be committed with me
that you want to treat me right
that you want to love me right
that long distance relationship can actually works
that you want to spend the rest of your life with me
that you think this will be the last chance for you to do something to make things right
because you want to keep me by your side

all these, even with me keep telling you that we will not get back together anymore, you still willing to do it.

I once told a friend that we can be great couple, because of the unique feeling of comfortableness between us. Like, we can just stay together forever and ever. But things went wrong and the relationship fall apart. I don’t think that things can be right anymore.

I still very in love with the comfortableness that I found in you. But, like you said, I have shut the door to my heart and you are locked outside right now. The key used to be right in front of you but not anymore.

I feel so fragile right now. I want you. But I don’t want to get attach to you anymore. So what do I want actually?

I want to be loved. But I don’t want commitment. Or maybe I just want you to pay up the debts that you owed me.

I said, I once gave you infinity. And you said you will return infinity to me.

I still want to hug you and kiss your cheeks like I used to. To let you know that you aren’t alone. But I don’t want more than that. Or maybe I want more for myself, but not for you. Then, it will be unfair again. Where I will take you for granted like you used to.

I know I want you to love me and hold me like a precious. But I am uncertain that I can love you as much as the way I used to.

Time is cruel. Time tells you that you love me but makes you realize it too late. Time makes you can’t turn back to where we used to be and leaves you no chance. And time made me let you go, long time ago.

While Love, can’t do anything about it.

Just came back from Pontian, Johor. Brother innocently made me drove most of the journeys back and forth.

Sunday, on the way…
“Until Tangkak, k? Tangkak only few km from here, ok?”
“Ooookkkk…”

“Eh, stupid fool, we passed Tangkak damn long already lo……”
“huh? ummm…” *stupid bro continue pretending to sleep*

So I kena conned and drove all the way back to Pontian from Malacca.

Today, I drove from Pontian to Malacca again. But then, I got him to send me until my doorstep. The initial plan was to leave me at the Kajang station. Bleh. I won’t let that happen with all the food and fruits that I’m gonna have to carry all the way.

Each of us get a packet of grapes and a box of this roundish biscuits which I don’t know what they called in English, from my aunt and two packets of fried chicken from grandma. My grandma owns a coffee shop which sells chicken rice. Her chicken rice is different from the normal ones. Hers are like fried but soft and tender.

The driving was actually quite fun. Maybe coz bro bought the Apple Ipod Roadtrip thing where you can play your Ipod Video in the car. So we watched Futurama, or more like, he watched and I listened while driving. The cartoon is stupid but funny la. Bro said it’s kid’s porn. Hehe. So yeah, at least the journeys back and forth weren’t boring.

Dad called last night and roughly mentioned about why I should recognise the road and all coz WHEN HE GETS ME A CAR, I will not get lost.

Aiya, I know la, but WHEN la…… *looking forward*

I know it’s silly to say that I think our relationship was flawed because one of the many reasons was your ex. I just can’t go on because I know deep down inside how much you actually care about her.

That’s why the only solution is to find another guy and live happily ever after.

I’m not a perfectionist. But when it comes to relationships (including friendship), I just can’t bear any flaw. I can’t just go on and say to A, “Ok, I forgive you and let’s be friends again.” It doesn’t work that way for me. When things aren’t right anymore, they would never be.

But the thing is, I’m not angry anymore. I just can’t start all over again. It’s like I know it happened quite long time ago, and I don’t really mind anymore. I don’t hold any anger at her anymore. But we will never be friends again.

It’s not about the issue of forgiveness. It’s about trusting others. I trust people easily. But once they do something that really hurt me and abuse the trust, I will never accept them anymore. Same thing applied to the relationship with him and friendship with her.

What’s not there, it’s gone forever. I’m that stubborn. I know.

Heard two stories relevant to the title. It makes me wonder why such things happened at the first place. We will never know the truth. Or rather, we are not prepared to know.

Super headache, my dinner stucks in the jam and period is making life really difficult for me.

Roommate made a box of life-saviour sushi and went off to bed. I ate four while waiting for miracle happens.

Lazy merajuk at me coz there’s a fish in front of him but he can’t reach it. There’s sliding door comes in between them. But I think he’s having a great time admiring the fish. Life-saviour sushi maker will kill me if I open the sliding door.

But Lazy’s food is running out. Nevertheless, I don’t think a little fish can satisfy him.

It’s weird why they serve creme brulee with fork. Forks are evil. But the nice conversation with a nice young lady made the red gingerbread men flew high.

Oh! Dinner just called me. Lovely. Miracle.

Even though I have to wake up at 7.40am, I still let the conversation went on till 2.40am just now.

How I wish again I don’t have classes on Sunday and the conversation wouldn’t have to end. It was so fun hanging out with them. The couples always make me laugh.

Sometimes, I wonder how come we can click just like that, but things are so difficult with somebody else.

I hate the sounds of frustration.

They come with a lot of doors slamming and stuff banging.

Why can’t people just say it out loud that they don’t like something or somebody?

If reality doesn’t allow you to, then get a blog and abuse it!

I hate it when people just have to scare me like that.

such a… coincidence? lol

*waves hand*

so monday yeah? creme brulee and shoes k?

hahaha. I’m so excited already!

The killers’ new album is rather disappointing. Hmmm. Sounded so cincai-ly made. Hot fuss was damn addictive. But Sam’s town… tsk tsk tsk. Maybe I should try listen again.

No shopping until I finish ALL my work.

Monday monday monday monday. I love to shop on Monday.

So, before Monday I must finish them off!!

I really need caffeine. Holding hopes that it will brush away this feeling. At least for a good thirty minutes. No class tomorrow, so finally I can get my starbucks. I just need a break. Because I had enough of your nonsense.

How many times can I forgive your irresponsible remarks?

This is to remind you to distance yourself.

Looking at the computer screen, I was left speechless. It really amazes me how ignorant can you be. How everytime you run away when problem arises. How everytime you say sorry the next day and repeating the same apology speech since more than a year ago.

It was four days ago and I am still ignoring your emails, msgs and calls. But I am sure I got over you already. Because I have not shed a tear this time.

Let you drown in your own stupidity. I feel more contented moving on without you. I just feel that I am at the right path doing the right thing. There are no more uncertainties which used to leave me doubting at myself.

I am doing fine. Really. Pls stop being so pathetic.