Documentary of Charleybean

I didn’t know

Looking at your pictures

Evidences of the past

Makes me feel so weak

So vulnerable

I thought I was strong

I thought I was strong enough

But I couldn’t even hold myself

So fragile in the inside

Do not touch me

As I will break into pieces

And I could never stand up again

I let out a heavy sigh when I reached the front gate. These past few days constituted a good therapy and I managed to pick up myself after getting away from everything for a while.

Everything comes back to me as I got nearer and nearer. Piece by piece, until it becomes too much for me to bear.

But I made a promise to myself. That I will take good care of myself and love myself more. Get my priorities right and back on track.

Back on track. That’s what I’m going to do now.

However, don’t ask me whether I’m ok yet.

I’m still catching my breath. But dont worry. So far so good.

Do you understand?

Do you all really understand?

I just want him to get out of my life.

Simple as that. So stop asking ‘Are you ok?’, coz right now I just want to disappear for a while.

All of you will never understand coz only I know how I feel about the whole thing. Because only I know what happened between us. Because only I have the every right to feel sad, mad, hurted, betrayed and heartbroken. Even he will never understand how I feel coz he never did from the beginning of the relationship.

He is just an irresponsible bastard for doing this to me and now, to another girl. The reason things didn’t work out never stop him from repeating the same mistakes over and over again. He doesn’t learn and he never will from the rate he is going right now.

Now I know why I am so angry. Mainly because he never learns and acting irresponsibly.

I kept asking myself, WHY? Why he never learn? Why he never understand? How could he do this to me?

And now, I ask, Why am I doing this to myself? Why I never learn?

Someone pls save me

I feel so betrayed.

Finally I teared.

after repeating the same thing so many times while holding back my tears.

Finally, when I’m back in my room.

Where everyone has slept.

My tears found the exit.

I don’t need a hug or kiss.

I just want somebody or anyone to understand.

Since the person that I hoped he would, will never understand.

So yeah.

The only thing missed is I haven’t got a chance to slap u really hard on the face yet.

Questions:
how can you expect things will be fine when you are doing completely nothing to keep things ok?
how can you say you want to do it right then turn around and said you don’t know what should you do?
how can I, who is such a gem, wasted two years on you?
and in turn, how can you never be able to appreciate me, who is such a gem?
how can you just don’t do anything?
how can you just say you couldn’t help it?
how can you wanting to try and yet never really did?
how can you just leave everything and walk away?
how can I have trusted you at the first place, after so many times?

and how can you don’t love me at all?

I never realize until just now, webcam-ing with you, that I miss you so so much.

I hope you didn’t really mean it when you said I hurted you really deep, as the guilt buried inside me starting to emerge again.

I know we were joking the way only me and you understand but I really hope you didn’t mean it.

But I really miss you. A lot.

The only person who understand me that well in this world just from a few short conversations is you.

I miss the lunch breaks we spent together.

The visiting bunny sessions.

And I still remember the dream you told me that you had. Where I was playing with lots of bunnies while you were right beside me, touching my hair while watching me…

I really hoped that it was true when you told me about it. So badly.

Such complex mixed feelings in such a short period. In the end, we had nothing and moved on.

I really miss you.

And your smile still make my heart beats faster.

it’s really weird…

how can i save myself

when everything seems alright

i want to run

but i can only wait